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Tonight, I cried. I cried for all the pain and wounds that have not healed. I cried until I could feel my heart squeesed tight. I cried for my failed marriage that I pretended I did not care about. I cried for my children who lost their father so early in their lives. I cried for the pain I felt when I would stay up at night wondering where he was. I cried for the loss of my child. I cried for the days and nights when I would keep my hands on my son's chest afraid that if I let go he would stop breathing. I cried for my life.....I cried...I cried until I didn't have any more tears left....oh, how I cried....
This journey called life has been both happy and painful. Mostly painful I must say. The road I chose to follow is filled with jagged, sharp rocks. Each step I took left me crying with pain the wounds inflicted by the sharp rocks. "I should have been more prepared before I took this journey", I'd say to myself. I should have brought something to protect myself from getting hurt. I'd stop and rest then I would catch a glimpse of something colorful and beautiful. Then I'd feel some glimmer of hope because I see my destination. That is where I belong.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Thursday, January 1, 2009
HAPPY NEW YEAR!! WELCOME 2009!!
I JUST WANT TO WISH YOU ALL A PROSPEROUS, JOYOUS AND A SAFE NEW YEAR!! I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO KNOW WHAT IS IN STORE FOR ME IN 2009 AND I HOPE YOU ARE TOO!!!
Saturday, December 27, 2008
I WAS NOMINATED!!
I would like to thank Brian http://the-new-author.blogspot.com/ for this unexpected and pleasant nomination. I know that I need to nominate other people's blogs, but I regret to say that I have not really taken much time to read other people's blogs. I will need some time to do this and I will come back and add my nomnations at a later time. Thank you.
Conversations With Myself Part 5
Ego: It has been a while since I've written on this blog. As I sit here in bed at 7:30 am 2 days after Christmas, I can't help but ponder on the past few weeks. It seems like everything that happened is a blur. Well, I have been working for almost 2 months now. I am thankful that I finally found a job and that I am now able to support myself and the kids. I feel much better about myself. I feel like I am repeating myself. Then, we found out that T was being deployed for the 3rd time. I was furious!!! If only we knew this bit of information before we moved here, it would have saved me a lot of heartache. I went through the process of blaming T and being angry at him. Although i know it wasn't his fault and that he didn't know about this deployment, I was still angry at him. We are here in this new and strange place and he will be leaving us for a year, and the holidays are coming up. ( I am sorry, I am reliving my anger.) I finally got past that anger but it made our lives miserable for 2 weeks before he left. He only had 2 weeks to prepare and he wasn't even home to be able to do that. He was away training most of the time. I started feeling sorry for my self again. I made his life and my life miserable for the last 2 weeks he was home. I was going through that process again which is all too familiar when he is getting ready to be deployd. I started calling my friends and I was releived that they are always there for me.
T has been gone for 3 weeks and the kids and I are finally getting into a routine that is comfortable for us. It's been very pleasant, quiet and peaceful without the arguing and fighting. We miss him very much but we don't miss the fighting and yelling. Christmas was very pleasant. The kids missed the excitement of having T around, making big plans, surprising us with wonderful presents. I must admit I'm not as creative and as exciting as my husband but I did try my best. We got my daughter a magic microphone karaoke along with some other things, and my son got a a digital camera and some other things. WE had a quiet Christmas just the 3 of us. Sad, but quiet and pleasant and we spent a lot of quality time together. I am off from work until the 2nd of January and I plan on spending all of it with my kids.
ALTER EGO: Life is just stuff. Keeping things simple. Don't worry too much. These are the things that we need to keep in mind to get started. Oh yes, life has been very pleasant lately but you still worry too much. We need to do something about this. I can't give you much advise on this because as I only know as much you know. You have lots of books that's still in boxes, look through them or we can go back to the library. One more thing and I know this is important to you. You should look into going back to school and continue towards your master's degree. T is not here, this should be a good time to achieve that.
T has been gone for 3 weeks and the kids and I are finally getting into a routine that is comfortable for us. It's been very pleasant, quiet and peaceful without the arguing and fighting. We miss him very much but we don't miss the fighting and yelling. Christmas was very pleasant. The kids missed the excitement of having T around, making big plans, surprising us with wonderful presents. I must admit I'm not as creative and as exciting as my husband but I did try my best. We got my daughter a magic microphone karaoke along with some other things, and my son got a a digital camera and some other things. WE had a quiet Christmas just the 3 of us. Sad, but quiet and pleasant and we spent a lot of quality time together. I am off from work until the 2nd of January and I plan on spending all of it with my kids.
ALTER EGO: Life is just stuff. Keeping things simple. Don't worry too much. These are the things that we need to keep in mind to get started. Oh yes, life has been very pleasant lately but you still worry too much. We need to do something about this. I can't give you much advise on this because as I only know as much you know. You have lots of books that's still in boxes, look through them or we can go back to the library. One more thing and I know this is important to you. You should look into going back to school and continue towards your master's degree. T is not here, this should be a good time to achieve that.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
WHAT IS LOVE?
I owe Yolanda http://thestufflifesmadeof.blogspot.com/ some gratitude for giving me the inspiration to look this up from my beloved collection of poems (The Prophet) my favorite poet Kahlil Gibran. This poem just about sums up everything about LOVE. So, tonight I am posting this poem instead of my usual conversations with myself.
Then said Almitra, "Speak to us of Love."
And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them.
Kahlil Gibran on Love
Then said Almitra, "Speak to us of Love."
And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them.
And with a great voice he said:
When love beckons to you follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.
When love beckons to you follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.
Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches
that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire,
that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.
All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart,
All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart,
and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.
But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter,
But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter,
and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.
When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy,
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.
When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy,
directs your course.
Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise
Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise
upon your lips.
Tuesday, November 18, 2008
Conversations With Myself Part 4
EGO: Life caught up with me and I am feeling overwhelmed. My training at work is over and I am now on my own. I'ts not a big deal because I know I will do great. It's all these other STUFFS that is getting me down. I try, God knows I try not to let these stuffs bother me but I falter more than not. T is out of town. He's been gone since last week Thursday. I feel guilty because I have to admit that I was glad he was away. I suppose we both needed to get away from each other for a while. I say that because I don 't think he minded being away from me either. I feel free when he isn't here. Is that wrong?
Another thought; why do I avoid my friends? I always cut any type of communication with my friends each time I moved. That's too bad because they are wonderful friends. AAAAhhhh, why am I complaining about it? Why don't I just return their phone calls and e-mails? What is stopping me? There must be a reason why I do this, but what?
T and I were having a conversation about my new job. It occurred to me that in a matter of 8 years I have had 3 jobs in different fields. T said that it is a good thing because I am getting more experience and I am more well rounded because of those experiences. I remembered a passage I read (can't remember where) that everything you do; whether its a job or you are eating, singing...etc., they are all part of an experience that will get you ready for what is to come. I wonder how true that is. And if it's true what is in store for me?
T will be home on Thursday and things will change around the house again. I hope his absence will help both of us when he gets back. The kids are not too excited about the thought of him coming back. This is because they are thinking that we will be fighting again and of course they don't like that. It has been a very stressful one month and I hope and pray that it will get better. The holidays are coming up and I want everything to be just fine. I am just grateful that I have such wonderful kids who doesn't give me problems. I am blessed.
I just started reading "The New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle. I like what I read so far. I read countless books about spirituality, self help, name it I read it. There was a time when I thought I got it. Well, I don't get it. So, here I am again trying to read as much as I can to learn more and hopefully this time I am able to apply it to my life. We will see.
Today, I am thankful for the roof over my family's head. I am thankful for the food on our table. I am thankful for our health and safety. I am thankful for my job because now I feel much better about myself.
ALTER EGO: I know exactly what you mean about feeling overwhelmed. We need to find a better way to relax. Also, we need to tackle our challenges one at a time. We need to prioritize them then we will try to figure out what steps we could take to solve it. Our word for the day is GOALS...we need to set a goal. We need to work on that tonight. We will make a list.
Regarding feeling guilty about T, oh, don't sweat it. It doesn't mean anything. You and he just both needed some space...we all do. You know I am so glad that we are doing this blog. It's amazing to be able to see and read what you are thinking...you know what I mean? A thought is just a fleeting thing...it dissappears as soon as you thought of it. Writing your thoughts allows you to capture your thoughts and read them. It gives you time to ponder on them. It's therapeutic. Well, we better get started on that GOAL list.
Another thought; why do I avoid my friends? I always cut any type of communication with my friends each time I moved. That's too bad because they are wonderful friends. AAAAhhhh, why am I complaining about it? Why don't I just return their phone calls and e-mails? What is stopping me? There must be a reason why I do this, but what?
T and I were having a conversation about my new job. It occurred to me that in a matter of 8 years I have had 3 jobs in different fields. T said that it is a good thing because I am getting more experience and I am more well rounded because of those experiences. I remembered a passage I read (can't remember where) that everything you do; whether its a job or you are eating, singing...etc., they are all part of an experience that will get you ready for what is to come. I wonder how true that is. And if it's true what is in store for me?
T will be home on Thursday and things will change around the house again. I hope his absence will help both of us when he gets back. The kids are not too excited about the thought of him coming back. This is because they are thinking that we will be fighting again and of course they don't like that. It has been a very stressful one month and I hope and pray that it will get better. The holidays are coming up and I want everything to be just fine. I am just grateful that I have such wonderful kids who doesn't give me problems. I am blessed.
I just started reading "The New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle. I like what I read so far. I read countless books about spirituality, self help, name it I read it. There was a time when I thought I got it. Well, I don't get it. So, here I am again trying to read as much as I can to learn more and hopefully this time I am able to apply it to my life. We will see.
Today, I am thankful for the roof over my family's head. I am thankful for the food on our table. I am thankful for our health and safety. I am thankful for my job because now I feel much better about myself.
ALTER EGO: I know exactly what you mean about feeling overwhelmed. We need to find a better way to relax. Also, we need to tackle our challenges one at a time. We need to prioritize them then we will try to figure out what steps we could take to solve it. Our word for the day is GOALS...we need to set a goal. We need to work on that tonight. We will make a list.
Regarding feeling guilty about T, oh, don't sweat it. It doesn't mean anything. You and he just both needed some space...we all do. You know I am so glad that we are doing this blog. It's amazing to be able to see and read what you are thinking...you know what I mean? A thought is just a fleeting thing...it dissappears as soon as you thought of it. Writing your thoughts allows you to capture your thoughts and read them. It gives you time to ponder on them. It's therapeutic. Well, we better get started on that GOAL list.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
OH MY! I HAVE BEEN TAGGED!! LOOK OUT I'M COMING FOR YOU!!
Thanks to Brian, http://the-new-author.blogspot.com/, now I have to divulge some of my unsavory habits/things about me. Hmm, maybe it's not too bad. Through this blog, I have been finding out quite a bit about myself that I was not aware of previously. So, here it goes.
1) I consider Hawaii my home as that is where I grew up and lived until 6 years ago.
2) I have 2 children, a 13 yr. old boy and a 17 year old girl.
3) Out of habit, I will have a cup of coffee every morning but will only take a few sips and won't finish it.
4) I have to have a cup of tea and some snacks, ie, cookies, pies, pastries, before I go to bed at night or else I cant't sleep.
5) I am currently seeking some type of spiritual meaning to my life.
6) I just started a new job last Tuesday, November 12.
7) We just moved to a new state so I don't have any friends ye. I am hoping to find many through this blog.
8) I am an avid reader - fiction, non-fiction, self help, spirituality, but my favorite is historical romance.
2)Hazel http://riddle-haze.blogspot.com/
3) Crystal http://crystalgirly.blogspot.com/
4)Jamiee http://wockaconversations.blogspot.com/
5) Yolanda http://thestufflifesmadeof.blogspot.com/
6) Maureen http://healourlives.blogspot.com/
7) Kenny http://kennymcbride.blogspot.com/
8) Angie http://angieatkinson.blogspot.com/
The tag rules are as follows:Each player starts with eight random fact/habits about themselves.People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules. At the end of your blog post, you need to tag eight people and list their names.Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’ve been tagged and to read your blog.
Have fun!!
1) I consider Hawaii my home as that is where I grew up and lived until 6 years ago.
2) I have 2 children, a 13 yr. old boy and a 17 year old girl.
3) Out of habit, I will have a cup of coffee every morning but will only take a few sips and won't finish it.
4) I have to have a cup of tea and some snacks, ie, cookies, pies, pastries, before I go to bed at night or else I cant't sleep.
5) I am currently seeking some type of spiritual meaning to my life.
6) I just started a new job last Tuesday, November 12.
7) We just moved to a new state so I don't have any friends ye. I am hoping to find many through this blog.
8) I am an avid reader - fiction, non-fiction, self help, spirituality, but my favorite is historical romance.
Below are the list of people and their blog sites I tagged
2)Hazel http://riddle-haze.blogspot.com/
3) Crystal http://crystalgirly.blogspot.com/
4)Jamiee http://wockaconversations.blogspot.com/
5) Yolanda http://thestufflifesmadeof.blogspot.com/
6) Maureen http://healourlives.blogspot.com/
7) Kenny http://kennymcbride.blogspot.com/
8) Angie http://angieatkinson.blogspot.com/
The tag rules are as follows:Each player starts with eight random fact/habits about themselves.People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules. At the end of your blog post, you need to tag eight people and list their names.Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’ve been tagged and to read your blog.
Have fun!!
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