Conversations with Myself Pt. 3

EGO: These past couple of days has been pretty quiet. I could not find time to write let alone think because T is home and will be home until Monday. My son went on his first camp out yesterday and he just got home. I was a little anxious for him as a doting mother would. Another cause of discord between T and I. He would loudly let his feelings known about how I am suffocating my son with my over protectiveness. He says that my son will grow up and will have his own household someday and that he needs to be prepared to be a man. I suppose he is right..sometimes. I don't agree with how T sometimes try to be so firm handed with my son , M. He is constantly yelling although he claims "it's not yelling." I can't stand confrontations. I like peace and quiet.

T found out that I have started a blogpost. He is naturally curious. He would like to read it but I am not comfortable with him reading it. Of course I know that if he really wanted to he will find a way. I am a little apprehensive about him reading my posts because I have written a few things that he doesn't know about. For example, my doubts about still loving him and or my doubts about staying with him. I just know him so well. If he ever read that it will be very unpleasant for both of us. I told him I didn't want him to read what I wrote because it's private, but then with his always logical reasoning, he said, "well, how can it be private if the public has access to it." I finally told him that he can't read it because I have written some things about him, and it is not the same because the public who are reading my post don't know who I am. He was pouting for a while but he got over it.

I need to get out of this rut that I am in. I feel depressed and I can't figure out why. T and I were watching a movie and tears just started to run down my cheeks, and I didn't know why. He asked me what was the matter and all I could say was, "life is just stuffs." He said, yes it is, what did you think it was? I tried to understand what I meant with "life is just stuffs." All I could come up with is that, I take life too seriously. Things that happen everyday are just stuffs. Lesson for the day, DON'T TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY. Maybe I should start a daily list about what I am thankful for. I'll start now, I am thankful for my 2 wonderful kids who are healthy, doing great in school, does not get in trouble, and their safety. Well, that was easy and it felt good. I have to try that again soon.

ALTER EGO: Bravo to you Treasure. I am so proud of you! Did you notice that you and T have not had any fights for the past 3 days? Now, you must admit that I was right when I said that the only reason why you were always arguing was because you felt guilty about not having a job. Now that you have one, you feel a lot better about yourself. Those fights you had did not have anything to do with anything that T was saying or doing. It was you mirroring what you were feeling about yourself. Now, that is a good lesson to learn. We must keep that in mind. Don't worry about T reading your blog. He will get over it. Like you said, it's just stuff. I like that. I like the idea of keeping a list of things that you are grateful for. It would help keep things into perspective. It will help you see that your life is not that bad. Everyone goes through ups and downs. Tomorrow is another day and you will have another chance to work towards a better and happier life. I feel good today and I know you do too.

Conversations With Myself pt. 2

EGO: The most awaited phone call came yesterday; most interestingly enough, it came while I was writing the first part of my blog. Odd, I thought I would be elated because now I am again employed. But my reaction upon hearing the good news was of mixed emotions. I was glad that I will not have to worry about finances any longer and that I will not feel useless. I will not have to depend on someone again. At the same time, I felt like I have subconsciously made a decision to settle down here and continue on with the relationship that I have with T. A relationship that I am not sure about. Did I commit myself to another 3 yrs. of uncertainty ? Surely, I should feel happy? Shouldn't I? I called T as soon as I got the news and he was elated. Much more so than I was. Was he happy because with my income, he won't have to support me anymore? He have always said that the cause of most of the arguments we have is the fact that I am feeling guilty and uncomfortable because I didn't have a job. That is partly true... I think. We didn't argue last night. That was a nice change from the previous days and nights of fighting. I wish I knew what I am doing. It's very frustrating to be in this situation.

I feel like a prisoner of my Self. I remember when I was young, I always said "I want to be free" but I didn't know what I wanted to be free from. I made a collage of myself using a picture of a flying bird to depict what I thought I wanted at the time. I am much older now...but I still don't know... WHAT DO I WANT TO BE FREE FROM/OF? I do know that this is not who I am. The person that I see in the mirror is not who I am. I know this because I don't like the person that I have become. What has become of me? What do other people see in me that I don't see? WHO AM I?

ALTER EGO: You know Treasure, I wondered about your reaction too. I thought that's what you wanted? We talked about this yesterday. First step, find a job then deal with the rest later. You need this job for your own sanity. You need this job to take care of yourself and the kids. You need this job for SURVIVAL!! PERIOD..NO IF'S OR BUT'S. Now, stop feeling sorry for yourself. You are much stronger than this. Please, don't make this whole situation about your relationship with T. IT IS NOT! REMEMBER THAT!! This situation is about taking care of yourself and the kids. Yes, it's good that T is there for you to lean on but we already decided that depending on him or anyone else is not your cup of tea. It is not good for you. Sure, he was the reason why you had to quit a blossoming career the first time you moved, and the second time and now the third time. I know you blame him subconsciously for this, but you made your decision. Now, move on. I even notice that you use the term "job" instead of "career" now. It seems to me like you have resigned to the idea that you can't have a career by staying with T. Well, I don't know if you noticed but your whole world revolves around T and the kids. You can and you should pursue your heart's desires. You have given up on your dreams, heck, you gave up on yourself. This is the reason why you are not happy. It is not because of any external causes. You are not happy with yourself that is why you can't be happy about anything. Do not look outside yourself for happiness, start from inside. Come on Treasure, you can do this...we can do this. You have me to lean on...You...Me...US..

Conversations with Myself

EGO: Another day of waiting. I wonder if I got the job. I had a feeling during the interview yesterday that they wanted to hire me. Three weeks of being unemployed is getting me down. I need the income to survive. It wouldn't be too bad if I didn't have the kids to think about. Oh gosh....what have I done....moving to a strange state not knowing anyone with the kids. Why did I listen to HIM (T) again? I am so confused...I don't know what to do. Feelings of desperation is setting in again. I want to get married but what is stopping him (T)? I should have dug in my heels before we moved here. I hate myself for breaking the promise that I made to myself....I WILL NOT MOVE WITH HIM TO ANOTHER STATE FOR THE SECOND TIME UNLESS WE GET MARRIED. Well, I broke that promise and I hate myself and paying for it now. I don't want to do this anymore. I am miserable...I want to be happy for a change. Do I even love him? I don't know...I know that I used to love him but I think that have changed. We have been in so much stress and fighting all the time lately...maybe that's just it. But, can one just stop loving someone you used to love? Does he still love me? Sure, he is taking care of me and the kids financially, until I get a job and like he always say, "I don't have to spend my money to take care of you and the kids but I do because I want to." But is that enough reason to love someone? T does say hurtful things when we argue and I do too..but DARN it he hurts me with his words. He knows my feelings get hurt easily.



ALTER EGO : Treasure, calm down. The interview was just yesterday. You know and they know that you have the qualifications for the job and the interview went really well. OK, I know that you are getting frustrated but you need to think clearly. Take this step by step. Your first priority is to find a job. You have been doing that. You have sent out 4 applications and out of the 4 you went for 1 interview. That is not too bad. Also, think about it, the other 3 jobs you applied for is not as good as this one. You just sent in your application and resume because you needed a job...out of desperation. So...relax and just wait until Friday...2 more days. As for T, this situation is a little more complicated. Let's not make it more confusing as it is. But this is not the time to sort it out. Your relationship with him got worst when you moved because now, you don't have a job and the means to take care of yourself and the kids financially. You don't like the feeling of having to depend on T or anyone else for that matter. This is a very common feeling. You are feeling useless and helpless but all that will change once you find a job. It will make you feel better about yourself. Right now you are not in a right state of mind to deal with this situation. Don't make any rash decisions. You know what happens when you do that. So, today, take it easy. Finish unpacking the family room and the office. Get all the boxes out so you can call the movers to come and pick them up. Make dinner for the family tonight. Read the books that you borrowed from the library. And when T gets home, don't nag him (he hates that), just keep the conversation light. Treasure, you will be just fine. Trust me.