Saturday, December 27, 2008


I would like to thank Brian for this unexpected and pleasant nomination. I know that I need to nominate other people's blogs, but I regret to say that I have not really taken much time to read other people's blogs. I will need some time to do this and I will come back and add my nomnations at a later time. Thank you.

Conversations With Myself Part 5

Ego: It has been a while since I've written on this blog. As I sit here in bed at 7:30 am 2 days after Christmas, I can't help but ponder on the past few weeks. It seems like everything that happened is a blur. Well, I have been working for almost 2 months now. I am thankful that I finally found a job and that I am now able to support myself and the kids. I feel much better about myself. I feel like I am repeating myself. Then, we found out that T was being deployed for the 3rd time. I was furious!!! If only we knew this bit of information before we moved here, it would have saved me a lot of heartache. I went through the process of blaming T and being angry at him. Although i know it wasn't his fault and that he didn't know about this deployment, I was still angry at him. We are here in this new and strange place and he will be leaving us for a year, and the holidays are coming up. ( I am sorry, I am reliving my anger.) I finally got past that anger but it made our lives miserable for 2 weeks before he left. He only had 2 weeks to prepare and he wasn't even home to be able to do that. He was away training most of the time. I started feeling sorry for my self again. I made his life and my life miserable for the last 2 weeks he was home. I was going through that process again which is all too familiar when he is getting ready to be deployd. I started calling my friends and I was releived that they are always there for me.
T has been gone for 3 weeks and the kids and I are finally getting into a routine that is comfortable for us. It's been very pleasant, quiet and peaceful without the arguing and fighting. We miss him very much but we don't miss the fighting and yelling. Christmas was very pleasant. The kids missed the excitement of having T around, making big plans, surprising us with wonderful presents. I must admit I'm not as creative and as exciting as my husband but I did try my best. We got my daughter a magic microphone karaoke along with some other things, and my son got a a digital camera and some other things. WE had a quiet Christmas just the 3 of us. Sad, but quiet and pleasant and we spent a lot of quality time together. I am off from work until the 2nd of January and I plan on spending all of it with my kids.

ALTER EGO: Life is just stuff. Keeping things simple. Don't worry too much. These are the things that we need to keep in mind to get started. Oh yes, life has been very pleasant lately but you still worry too much. We need to do something about this. I can't give you much advise on this because as I only know as much you know. You have lots of books that's still in boxes, look through them or we can go back to the library. One more thing and I know this is important to you. You should look into going back to school and continue towards your master's degree. T is not here, this should be a good time to achieve that.

Wednesday, November 19, 2008


I owe Yolanda some gratitude for giving me the inspiration to look this up from my beloved collection of poems (The Prophet) my favorite poet Kahlil Gibran. This poem just about sums up everything about LOVE. So, tonight I am posting this poem instead of my usual conversations with myself.

Kahlil Gibran on Love

Then said Almitra, "Speak to us of Love."
And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them.
And with a great voice he said:
When love beckons to you follow him,
Though his ways are hard and steep.
And when his wings enfold you yield to him,
Though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you.
And when he speaks to you believe in him,
Though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.
For even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you.
Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning.
Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches
that quiver in the sun,
So shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.
Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself.
He threshes you to make you naked.
He sifts you to free you from your husks.
He grinds you to whiteness.
He kneads you until you are pliant;
And then he assigns you to his sacred fire,
that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.
All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart,
and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.
But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure,
Then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor,
Into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter,
and weep, but not all of your tears.
Love gives naught but itself and takes naught but from itself.
Love possesses not nor would it be possessed;
For love is sufficient unto love.
When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, I am in the heart of God."
And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy,
directs your course.
Love has no other desire but to fulfil itself.
But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires:
To melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night.
To know the pain of too much tenderness.
To be wounded by your own understanding of love;
And to bleed willingly and joyfully.
To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving;
To rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstasy;
To return home at eventide with gratitude;
And then to sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise
upon your lips.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

Conversations With Myself Part 4

EGO: Life caught up with me and I am feeling overwhelmed. My training at work is over and I am now on my own. I'ts not a big deal because I know I will do great. It's all these other STUFFS that is getting me down. I try, God knows I try not to let these stuffs bother me but I falter more than not. T is out of town. He's been gone since last week Thursday. I feel guilty because I have to admit that I was glad he was away. I suppose we both needed to get away from each other for a while. I say that because I don 't think he minded being away from me either. I feel free when he isn't here. Is that wrong?

Another thought; why do I avoid my friends? I always cut any type of communication with my friends each time I moved. That's too bad because they are wonderful friends. AAAAhhhh, why am I complaining about it? Why don't I just return their phone calls and e-mails? What is stopping me? There must be a reason why I do this, but what?

T and I were having a conversation about my new job. It occurred to me that in a matter of 8 years I have had 3 jobs in different fields. T said that it is a good thing because I am getting more experience and I am more well rounded because of those experiences. I remembered a passage I read (can't remember where) that everything you do; whether its a job or you are eating, singing...etc., they are all part of an experience that will get you ready for what is to come. I wonder how true that is. And if it's true what is in store for me?

T will be home on Thursday and things will change around the house again. I hope his absence will help both of us when he gets back. The kids are not too excited about the thought of him coming back. This is because they are thinking that we will be fighting again and of course they don't like that. It has been a very stressful one month and I hope and pray that it will get better. The holidays are coming up and I want everything to be just fine. I am just grateful that I have such wonderful kids who doesn't give me problems. I am blessed.

I just started reading "The New Earth" by Eckhart Tolle. I like what I read so far. I read countless books about spirituality, self help, name it I read it. There was a time when I thought I got it. Well, I don't get it. So, here I am again trying to read as much as I can to learn more and hopefully this time I am able to apply it to my life. We will see.

Today, I am thankful for the roof over my family's head. I am thankful for the food on our table. I am thankful for our health and safety. I am thankful for my job because now I feel much better about myself.

ALTER EGO: I know exactly what you mean about feeling overwhelmed. We need to find a better way to relax. Also, we need to tackle our challenges one at a time. We need to prioritize them then we will try to figure out what steps we could take to solve it. Our word for the day is GOALS...we need to set a goal. We need to work on that tonight. We will make a list.

Regarding feeling guilty about T, oh, don't sweat it. It doesn't mean anything. You and he just both needed some space...we all do. You know I am so glad that we are doing this blog. It's amazing to be able to see and read what you are know what I mean? A thought is just a fleeting dissappears as soon as you thought of it. Writing your thoughts allows you to capture your thoughts and read them. It gives you time to ponder on them. It's therapeutic. Well, we better get started on that GOAL list.

Saturday, November 15, 2008


Thanks to Brian,, now I have to divulge some of my unsavory habits/things about me. Hmm, maybe it's not too bad. Through this blog, I have been finding out quite a bit about myself that I was not aware of previously. So, here it goes.

1) I consider Hawaii my home as that is where I grew up and lived until 6 years ago.

2) I have 2 children, a 13 yr. old boy and a 17 year old girl.

3) Out of habit, I will have a cup of coffee every morning but will only take a few sips and won't finish it.

4) I have to have a cup of tea and some snacks, ie, cookies, pies, pastries, before I go to bed at night or else I cant't sleep.

5) I am currently seeking some type of spiritual meaning to my life.

6) I just started a new job last Tuesday, November 12.

7) We just moved to a new state so I don't have any friends ye. I am hoping to find many through this blog.

8) I am an avid reader - fiction, non-fiction, self help, spirituality, but my favorite is historical romance.

Below are the list of people and their blog sites I tagged

1) Julieanne


3) Crystal


5) Yolanda

6) Maureen

7) Kenny

8) Angie

The tag rules are as follows:Each player starts with eight random fact/habits about themselves.People who are tagged need to write their own blog about their eight things and post these rules. At the end of your blog post, you need to tag eight people and list their names.Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’ve been tagged and to read your blog.

Have fun!!

Saturday, November 8, 2008

Conversations with Myself Pt. 3

EGO: These past couple of days has been pretty quiet. I could not find time to write let alone think because T is home and will be home until Monday. My son went on his first camp out yesterday and he just got home. I was a little anxious for him as a doting mother would. Another cause of discord between T and I. He would loudly let his feelings known about how I am suffocating my son with my over protectiveness. He says that my son will grow up and will have his own household someday and that he needs to be prepared to be a man. I suppose he is right..sometimes. I don't agree with how T sometimes try to be so firm handed with my son , M. He is constantly yelling although he claims "it's not yelling." I can't stand confrontations. I like peace and quiet.

T found out that I have started a blogpost. He is naturally curious. He would like to read it but I am not comfortable with him reading it. Of course I know that if he really wanted to he will find a way. I am a little apprehensive about him reading my posts because I have written a few things that he doesn't know about. For example, my doubts about still loving him and or my doubts about staying with him. I just know him so well. If he ever read that it will be very unpleasant for both of us. I told him I didn't want him to read what I wrote because it's private, but then with his always logical reasoning, he said, "well, how can it be private if the public has access to it." I finally told him that he can't read it because I have written some things about him, and it is not the same because the public who are reading my post don't know who I am. He was pouting for a while but he got over it.

I need to get out of this rut that I am in. I feel depressed and I can't figure out why. T and I were watching a movie and tears just started to run down my cheeks, and I didn't know why. He asked me what was the matter and all I could say was, "life is just stuffs." He said, yes it is, what did you think it was? I tried to understand what I meant with "life is just stuffs." All I could come up with is that, I take life too seriously. Things that happen everyday are just stuffs. Lesson for the day, DON'T TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY. Maybe I should start a daily list about what I am thankful for. I'll start now, I am thankful for my 2 wonderful kids who are healthy, doing great in school, does not get in trouble, and their safety. Well, that was easy and it felt good. I have to try that again soon.

ALTER EGO: Bravo to you Treasure. I am so proud of you! Did you notice that you and T have not had any fights for the past 3 days? Now, you must admit that I was right when I said that the only reason why you were always arguing was because you felt guilty about not having a job. Now that you have one, you feel a lot better about yourself. Those fights you had did not have anything to do with anything that T was saying or doing. It was you mirroring what you were feeling about yourself. Now, that is a good lesson to learn. We must keep that in mind. Don't worry about T reading your blog. He will get over it. Like you said, it's just stuff. I like that. I like the idea of keeping a list of things that you are grateful for. It would help keep things into perspective. It will help you see that your life is not that bad. Everyone goes through ups and downs. Tomorrow is another day and you will have another chance to work towards a better and happier life. I feel good today and I know you do too.

Thursday, November 6, 2008

Conversations With Myself pt. 2

EGO: The most awaited phone call came yesterday; most interestingly enough, it came while I was writing the first part of my blog. Odd, I thought I would be elated because now I am again employed. But my reaction upon hearing the good news was of mixed emotions. I was glad that I will not have to worry about finances any longer and that I will not feel useless. I will not have to depend on someone again. At the same time, I felt like I have subconsciously made a decision to settle down here and continue on with the relationship that I have with T. A relationship that I am not sure about. Did I commit myself to another 3 yrs. of uncertainty ? Surely, I should feel happy? Shouldn't I? I called T as soon as I got the news and he was elated. Much more so than I was. Was he happy because with my income, he won't have to support me anymore? He have always said that the cause of most of the arguments we have is the fact that I am feeling guilty and uncomfortable because I didn't have a job. That is partly true... I think. We didn't argue last night. That was a nice change from the previous days and nights of fighting. I wish I knew what I am doing. It's very frustrating to be in this situation.

I feel like a prisoner of my Self. I remember when I was young, I always said "I want to be free" but I didn't know what I wanted to be free from. I made a collage of myself using a picture of a flying bird to depict what I thought I wanted at the time. I am much older now...but I still don't know... WHAT DO I WANT TO BE FREE FROM/OF? I do know that this is not who I am. The person that I see in the mirror is not who I am. I know this because I don't like the person that I have become. What has become of me? What do other people see in me that I don't see? WHO AM I?

ALTER EGO: You know Treasure, I wondered about your reaction too. I thought that's what you wanted? We talked about this yesterday. First step, find a job then deal with the rest later. You need this job for your own sanity. You need this job to take care of yourself and the kids. You need this job for SURVIVAL!! PERIOD..NO IF'S OR BUT'S. Now, stop feeling sorry for yourself. You are much stronger than this. Please, don't make this whole situation about your relationship with T. IT IS NOT! REMEMBER THAT!! This situation is about taking care of yourself and the kids. Yes, it's good that T is there for you to lean on but we already decided that depending on him or anyone else is not your cup of tea. It is not good for you. Sure, he was the reason why you had to quit a blossoming career the first time you moved, and the second time and now the third time. I know you blame him subconsciously for this, but you made your decision. Now, move on. I even notice that you use the term "job" instead of "career" now. It seems to me like you have resigned to the idea that you can't have a career by staying with T. Well, I don't know if you noticed but your whole world revolves around T and the kids. You can and you should pursue your heart's desires. You have given up on your dreams, heck, you gave up on yourself. This is the reason why you are not happy. It is not because of any external causes. You are not happy with yourself that is why you can't be happy about anything. Do not look outside yourself for happiness, start from inside. Come on Treasure, you can do this...we can do this. You have me to lean on...You...Me...US..

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Conversations with Myself

EGO: Another day of waiting. I wonder if I got the job. I had a feeling during the interview yesterday that they wanted to hire me. Three weeks of being unemployed is getting me down. I need the income to survive. It wouldn't be too bad if I didn't have the kids to think about. Oh gosh....what have I done....moving to a strange state not knowing anyone with the kids. Why did I listen to HIM (T) again? I am so confused...I don't know what to do. Feelings of desperation is setting in again. I want to get married but what is stopping him (T)? I should have dug in my heels before we moved here. I hate myself for breaking the promise that I made to myself....I WILL NOT MOVE WITH HIM TO ANOTHER STATE FOR THE SECOND TIME UNLESS WE GET MARRIED. Well, I broke that promise and I hate myself and paying for it now. I don't want to do this anymore. I am miserable...I want to be happy for a change. Do I even love him? I don't know...I know that I used to love him but I think that have changed. We have been in so much stress and fighting all the time lately...maybe that's just it. But, can one just stop loving someone you used to love? Does he still love me? Sure, he is taking care of me and the kids financially, until I get a job and like he always say, "I don't have to spend my money to take care of you and the kids but I do because I want to." But is that enough reason to love someone? T does say hurtful things when we argue and I do too..but DARN it he hurts me with his words. He knows my feelings get hurt easily.

ALTER EGO : Treasure, calm down. The interview was just yesterday. You know and they know that you have the qualifications for the job and the interview went really well. OK, I know that you are getting frustrated but you need to think clearly. Take this step by step. Your first priority is to find a job. You have been doing that. You have sent out 4 applications and out of the 4 you went for 1 interview. That is not too bad. Also, think about it, the other 3 jobs you applied for is not as good as this one. You just sent in your application and resume because you needed a job...out of desperation. So...relax and just wait until Friday...2 more days. As for T, this situation is a little more complicated. Let's not make it more confusing as it is. But this is not the time to sort it out. Your relationship with him got worst when you moved because now, you don't have a job and the means to take care of yourself and the kids financially. You don't like the feeling of having to depend on T or anyone else for that matter. This is a very common feeling. You are feeling useless and helpless but all that will change once you find a job. It will make you feel better about yourself. Right now you are not in a right state of mind to deal with this situation. Don't make any rash decisions. You know what happens when you do that. So, today, take it easy. Finish unpacking the family room and the office. Get all the boxes out so you can call the movers to come and pick them up. Make dinner for the family tonight. Read the books that you borrowed from the library. And when T gets home, don't nag him (he hates that), just keep the conversation light. Treasure, you will be just fine. Trust me.