EGO: The most awaited phone call came yesterday; most interestingly enough, it came while I was writing the first part of my blog. Odd, I thought I would be elated because now I am again employed. But my reaction upon hearing the good news was of mixed emotions. I was glad that I will not have to worry about finances any longer and that I will not feel useless. I will not have to depend on someone again. At the same time, I felt like I have subconsciously made a decision to settle down here and continue on with the relationship that I have with T. A relationship that I am not sure about. Did I commit myself to another 3 yrs. of uncertainty ? Surely, I should feel happy? Shouldn't I? I called T as soon as I got the news and he was elated. Much more so than I was. Was he happy because with my income, he won't have to support me anymore? He have always said that the cause of most of the arguments we have is the fact that I am feeling guilty and uncomfortable because I didn't have a job. That is partly true... I think. We didn't argue last night. That was a nice change from the previous days and nights of fighting. I wish I knew what I am doing. It's very frustrating to be in this situation.
I feel like a prisoner of my Self. I remember when I was young, I always said "I want to be free" but I didn't know what I wanted to be free from. I made a collage of myself using a picture of a flying bird to depict what I thought I wanted at the time. I am much older now...but I still don't know... WHAT DO I WANT TO BE FREE FROM/OF? I do know that this is not who I am. The person that I see in the mirror is not who I am. I know this because I don't like the person that I have become. What has become of me? What do other people see in me that I don't see? WHO AM I?
ALTER EGO: You know Treasure, I wondered about your reaction too. I thought that's what you wanted? We talked about this yesterday. First step, find a job then deal with the rest later. You need this job for your own sanity. You need this job to take care of yourself and the kids. You need this job for SURVIVAL!! PERIOD..NO IF'S OR BUT'S. Now, stop feeling sorry for yourself. You are much stronger than this. Please, don't make this whole situation about your relationship with T. IT IS NOT! REMEMBER THAT!! This situation is about taking care of yourself and the kids. Yes, it's good that T is there for you to lean on but we already decided that depending on him or anyone else is not your cup of tea. It is not good for you. Sure, he was the reason why you had to quit a blossoming career the first time you moved, and the second time and now the third time. I know you blame him subconsciously for this, but you made your decision. Now, move on. I even notice that you use the term "job" instead of "career" now. It seems to me like you have resigned to the idea that you can't have a career by staying with T. Well, I don't know if you noticed but your whole world revolves around T and the kids. You can and you should pursue your heart's desires. You have given up on your dreams, heck, you gave up on yourself. This is the reason why you are not happy. It is not because of any external causes. You are not happy with yourself that is why you can't be happy about anything. Do not look outside yourself for happiness, start from inside. Come on Treasure, you can do this...we can do this. You have me to lean on...You...Me...US..