Saturday, November 8, 2008

Conversations with Myself Pt. 3

EGO: These past couple of days has been pretty quiet. I could not find time to write let alone think because T is home and will be home until Monday. My son went on his first camp out yesterday and he just got home. I was a little anxious for him as a doting mother would. Another cause of discord between T and I. He would loudly let his feelings known about how I am suffocating my son with my over protectiveness. He says that my son will grow up and will have his own household someday and that he needs to be prepared to be a man. I suppose he is right..sometimes. I don't agree with how T sometimes try to be so firm handed with my son , M. He is constantly yelling although he claims "it's not yelling." I can't stand confrontations. I like peace and quiet.

T found out that I have started a blogpost. He is naturally curious. He would like to read it but I am not comfortable with him reading it. Of course I know that if he really wanted to he will find a way. I am a little apprehensive about him reading my posts because I have written a few things that he doesn't know about. For example, my doubts about still loving him and or my doubts about staying with him. I just know him so well. If he ever read that it will be very unpleasant for both of us. I told him I didn't want him to read what I wrote because it's private, but then with his always logical reasoning, he said, "well, how can it be private if the public has access to it." I finally told him that he can't read it because I have written some things about him, and it is not the same because the public who are reading my post don't know who I am. He was pouting for a while but he got over it.

I need to get out of this rut that I am in. I feel depressed and I can't figure out why. T and I were watching a movie and tears just started to run down my cheeks, and I didn't know why. He asked me what was the matter and all I could say was, "life is just stuffs." He said, yes it is, what did you think it was? I tried to understand what I meant with "life is just stuffs." All I could come up with is that, I take life too seriously. Things that happen everyday are just stuffs. Lesson for the day, DON'T TAKE LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY. Maybe I should start a daily list about what I am thankful for. I'll start now, I am thankful for my 2 wonderful kids who are healthy, doing great in school, does not get in trouble, and their safety. Well, that was easy and it felt good. I have to try that again soon.

ALTER EGO: Bravo to you Treasure. I am so proud of you! Did you notice that you and T have not had any fights for the past 3 days? Now, you must admit that I was right when I said that the only reason why you were always arguing was because you felt guilty about not having a job. Now that you have one, you feel a lot better about yourself. Those fights you had did not have anything to do with anything that T was saying or doing. It was you mirroring what you were feeling about yourself. Now, that is a good lesson to learn. We must keep that in mind. Don't worry about T reading your blog. He will get over it. Like you said, it's just stuff. I like that. I like the idea of keeping a list of things that you are grateful for. It would help keep things into perspective. It will help you see that your life is not that bad. Everyone goes through ups and downs. Tomorrow is another day and you will have another chance to work towards a better and happier life. I feel good today and I know you do too.


Julieanne Paige said...

Hi Treasure

This is such a great blog and the different perspectives on situations is amazing. it was very moving to see that you are aware.


yolanda said...

hi treaure,

this is a great idea for a blog! im glad that we can all share our feelings and experiences as we continue to muddle through being human ;-)

if you have time to check out my blog i would appreciate the feedback

peace and love,

Anonymous said...

You are doing a great job here Treasure. Your feelings are coming out. I have something to tell you though...

You have been tagged!!

Check out my blog to find out what this means. It will be fun.